Saddam v Paddy
Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade when his telephone rang.
"Hello! Mr. Hussein," a heavily-accented voice said. "This is Paddy down in the Harp pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we're officially declaring war on you."
"Well Paddy," Saddam replied, "this is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Paddy after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight."
Saddam paused. "I must tell you Paddy that I've got one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorra!", said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"
"And what equipment do you have?", Saddam asked. "Well, we have two combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's old tractor."
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I've got 6000 tanks and 4000 armoured personnel carriers. I've increased my army to 1.5 million since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!", said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Harrigan's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit and four boys from the Shamrock pub have joined us!"
Saddam was silent for a minute, cleared his throat then said, "I must tell you Paddy that I've got 1000 bombers and 2000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided surface-to-air missiles and since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Jesus, Mary and Joseph!", said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin' Mr. Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we've had to call the war off."
"I'm intrigued," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Paddy, "after a long chat over a few pints with me mates, there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."