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The Best of Tommy Cooper Jokes

If you've never hear of the late and great Tommy Cooper, please skip to another joke as this brand of humour isn't for everyone.

  1. A man walked into the doctors and said, "I've hurt my arm in several places?" The doctor said, "Well, don't go there anymore!"
  2. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home' ?" ... "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." ... "Is it common?" ... "It's not unusual."
  3. I went to the butchers the other day and bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
  4. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
  5. An Ice Cream vendor was found lying on the floor of his van, covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
  6. A man goes to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his head. The Doc says, "I'll give you some cream for that."
  7. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" ... "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." ... "What! Just because he's cross-eyed?" ... "No, because he's really heavy."
  8. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know, I've cut your arms off."
  9. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
  10. You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine', so that was nice of them.